The Women's and Men's Secret Languages

Women's Secret Languages

1.Fine:
This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

2.Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.

3.Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4.Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

5.Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6.Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

7.Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

8.Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9.That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

10.Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11.Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

12.Crosses Arms:
this is a gesture. this means that she is waiting for you to say something else completely stupid. be careful not to ask what's wrong and you will get the answer of nothing with a loud sigh.

13.The Eye roll:
this is also a gesture. this also means she thinks you are completely stupid. this will prolly preceed the words oh really? and if you say i can explain you will get a please do or a go ahead with raised eye brows. when you get the fine, you know you've lost. try again in five minutes and maybe you'll get a small sigh. if not, please proceed to the nearest exit. the phrase she has in mind is, "Don't call me...I'll call you."

14.The Foot Tap:
This can mean one of two things, neither of which are any good news to you. It can mean A) why have you not commented on these really cute shoes (and or pedicure) i just got, trying to look good for YOU! in this case it will often be followed with the raised eyebrows and sometimes, a loud sigh. or B)she is saying to herself, I don't remember a time before i started standing here. You take longer to get ready then my sister for the prom. She is quite possibly considering the fact that you are a metrosexual, which, as all straight men know, is no good sign. When you are finally ready, or done with whatever it is that is keeping you from focusing all your attention on her you will get a thanks a lot. don't try to fight it, or you will more than likely get the eyeroll.




Men's Secret Languages:

1. "I'M GOING FISHING":
Translated: I'm going to drink myself
dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


2. "IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"

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3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


4. "UH HUH, SURE HONEY," or, "YES, DEAR."
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest."


6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST... I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"


7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"


9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I've ever owned, I just forgot your birthday."


10. "I DUNNO... I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE ROSES..."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."


12. "I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated: "... and I sure hope I think of some soon."


13. "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."


14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"


15. "I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."


16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse."


17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh God, please don't try on MORE clothes."


18. "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."